- There are many times it seemingly comes from No Place
- I have lived with it for so long that not experiencing
it for even a short length of time gives me anxiety
- It is evolving
- Anger comes now, too
- I don’t want to talk to you when it is bad… it does not
matter who you are
- The darkness screams for me to self-harm
- I become numb towards everything … and everyone
- It is exhausting to try to focus
- Fighting the awful and harmful thoughts leaves me
absolutely drained
- My kids will never meet the person I was before
depression and anxiety took over
- It’s increasingly difficult to me to remember that
person
I have had messages, texts, and comments
on my most recent picture post. The post was how I chose to reach out… Talking
about depression and anxiety – or mental health in general – is something that
can make the person experiencing it feel worse. I feel like I am always
complaining, and like I truly have no reason to because there are people that are
worse off. There is still a lot of stigma around mental health and disorders.
It is frustrating for me to try to justify why
I feel this way to you, because I do not know why. I do not know what
triggered the spiral. Well-meaning people can say the dumbest and most
hurtful things to others and not comprehend how unhelpful they are being. So,
please do not take it personally that I am not answering phone calls or liking
your comments/replying to them. I am in a deep, and very dark, place right now.
I know that some of you are concerned, and I know that I am loved – but it is
impossible for me to believe these things while the depression is raging. When the
rage settles down, know that I am reading your comments, texts, and private
messages.
I cannot give up, as it turns out I
recently learned that *I* save/d someone else by simply existing. My kids need
me. Cory needs me. Knowing these things, however, does not make holding on
any easier. It does not lessen the hell that comes when your brain demands
self-harm or self-destruction.
Depression is a disease that results
from a chemical imbalance in the brain. There are many people that do not
recognize this, though. They refuse to accept it. I have been told to “just get
over it,” that I “act like [this] to be the center of attention,” and that my
life is so much better than it could be, so I am being selfish by acting
depressed. As an adult I pride myself on being honest… but, I have
started lying occasionally. It is so much easier for people to accept that I could cancel plans, or cannot go do something, because I have a cold, or a stomach bug,
or even a migraine than it is for them to accept that I cannot do something
because of my depression.
I made an appointment with a different
therapist, maybe she can help. In the meantime, know that your messages are being
seen. Reach out if you are struggling. There is no shame in asking for help.
