The thing about my depression is...

• There are many times it seemingly comes from No Place
• I have lived with it for so long that not experiencing it for even a short length of time gives me anxiety
• It is evolving
• Anger comes now, too
• I don’t want to talk to you when it is bad… it does not matter who you are
• The darkness screams for me to self-harm
• I become numb towards everything … and everyone
• It is exhausting to try to focus
• Fighting the awful and harmful thoughts leaves me absolutely drained
• My kids will never meet the person I was before depression and anxiety took over
• It’s increasingly difficult to me to remember that person

I have had messages, texts, and comments on my most recent picture post. The post was how I chose to reach out… Talking about depression and anxiety – or mental health in general – is something that can make the person experiencing it feel worse. I feel like I am always complaining, and like I truly have no reason to because there are people that are worse off. There is still a lot of stigma around mental health and disorders. It is frustrating for me to try to justify why I feel this way to you, because I do not know why. I do not know what triggered the spiral. Well-meaning people can say the dumbest and most hurtful things to others and not comprehend how unhelpful they are being. So, please do not take it personally that I am not answering phone calls or liking your comments/replying to them. I am in a deep, and very dark, place right now. I know that some of you are concerned, and I know that I am loved – but it is impossible for me to believe these things while the depression is raging. When the rage settles down, know that I am reading your comments, texts, and private messages.

I cannot give up, as it turns out I recently learned that *I* save/d someone else by simply existing. My kids need me. Cory needs me. Knowing these things, however, does not make holding on any easier. It does not lessen the hell that comes when your brain demands self-harm or self-destruction.

Depression is a disease that results from a chemical imbalance in the brain. There are many people that do not recognize this, though. They refuse to accept it. I have been told to “just get over it,” that I “act like [this] to be the center of attention,” and that my life is so much better than it could be, so I am being selfish by acting depressed. As an adult I pride myself on being honest… but, I have started lying occasionally. It is so much easier for people to accept that I could cancel plans, or cannot go do something, because I have a cold, or a stomach bug, or even a migraine than it is for them to accept that I cannot do something because of my depression.

I made an appointment with a different therapist, maybe she can help. In the meantime, know that your messages are being seen. Reach out if you are struggling. There is no shame in asking for help.